I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
