I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
