One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
