why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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