he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
