My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
