if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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