You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
