I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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