Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
