Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
