At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
