she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
