The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
