i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
