Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
