i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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