How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel like a drive thru vagina
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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