Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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