Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think your dad took our porno
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
