So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
