You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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