the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
