Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
