I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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