I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
