im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
