I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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