it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
