I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
