Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
