How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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