There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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