I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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