Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is Oprah even human
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
