is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
