My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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