bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
