Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
