Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
