I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
