Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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