fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
