I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
