can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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