just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
