On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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