happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
