This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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