I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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