dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
