We're like a lot better than the average bears
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
